How Republicans Read The U.S.  Constipation
by:  "Uncle" Thomas Lee Watts, Janitor/Columnist For RepublicanPress.com

I was cleaning Mr. Raymond's orifice with the other colored man here at Republicanpress.com, Slappy Peterson, and he and I bantered back and forth as we'z cleaned.  We'z talked about the news of the day, news of the week, and we gave a colored Republican's perspective on each issue.  We even discussed white women we would each like to "do." It was an interesting exhibition of exhortation between two colored Republicans.  Slappy and I are not only columnists here at RepublicanPress.com, we also serve as janitors.

"Slappy, did you'z see them baseball players testimoaning before Congress?" I axed as I flushed Mr. Raymond's commode, all the while bushing the inside of the toilet bowl with my toilet brush.

"Shor' 'nuff  I'z did see them.  Lordy be, where have all the heretics gone?  I remember back in the days of the old Negro League, those were the days of real ballplayin' colored men!  There wasn't no jive 'bout shootin' theyself  up with altoids, or jive 'bout whore moaning yourself to get more muscle. No sir, them was the days of colored men playin' in their own league and havin' their own hotel rooms."  Slappy replied, with his half-lit, half-chewed cigar danglin' from his big old bottom lip.

"What 'bout that woman down in Florida, Slappy?  I'z agree with Mr. Tom DeLay when he talked 'bout her right to live like a vegetable.  Mr. Tom DeLay said he wasn't playin' politics, or shit like that, but he be mighty happy to make them Democrats put up or shut up.  Yes sir, Mr. Tom DeLay is a cocky little asshole, but he shor' 'nuff know his shit don't stink!" I said as I swished my toilet brush real good in the toilet bowl water. I then tapped it twice on the side of the bowl before I put it into my cleaning buggy that I push through the halls here at RepublicanPress.com.

"Humm, and what 'bout Mr. Doctor Bill Frist sayin' he was goin' to use that neuter option if the Democrats in the Senate fill-a-boober another one of President Bush's judical nominees? He shor' say he would anyways. Said he don't care what the U.S. Constipation say 'bout it, he just goin' to drop a neuter bomb on them." Slappy answered as he swished out Mr. Raymond's urinal with his new Wal-Mart urinal brush. (Link To Frist Story)

"Mr. Doctor Frist care 'bout the U.S. Constipation, Slappy.  He just think we'z read it wrong all these many years, and since Republicans be in power he thinks we'z should read it again. It be like when Mr. Lincoln freed us. Lordy, lordy, I think that is what they call the  Emasculate Ejaculation address by Mr. Lincoln. Anyway, he said that the U.S. Constipation guaranteed everybody Shrivel Rights, and that we'z coloreds were free to pay our own way. This, of course, led to us being indebted to whitey for the trouble we'z caused."

"I see'z, that Emasculate Ejaculation led to the Shrivel War and our beloved South was never the same. It be a shame on our gynecological heritage - gynecologically speaking of course - but I think it was the immortal words of President Reagan who said, "Ketchup is a vegetable."  Slappy said as he put a brand new urinal cake in Mr. Raymond's urinal.

"Slappy, what do ketchup being a vegetable have to do with anything?"  I quisbied him.

"It has to do with everything with the Constipation. Lets say'z that them ballplayers were shooting up with altoids, then we'z know that they goo-nads wrinkle up to nothing and they can't shit a lick.  So, the poonghie ain't happenin', therefore I suggest to you that Mr. Tom DeLay push the agenda 'bout that woman in Florida, 'cause he be in a big cataclysm with that Texas Persecutor." Slappy returded.

"Yeah, you may be right in your appeasement, Slappy."

"It all boil down to how the Republicans read the U.S.Constipation. We'z can only do what we'z can do and trust Mr. Doctor Frist and Mr. Tom DeLay to interrogation the Constipation the right way for us. It be simple, so to speak, in a titillation manner - tits for tat.  I'z only hope for the Republicans to read it without the invocation of liberal trail lawyers, or without some Liberal Constipation expert tellin' us we are violating the Constipation." Slappy plangored.

"Yeah, I say'z Congress should infest the porno stars and leave the baseball players alone!  Everybody know them white male porno stars are using some type of performance enhancing drug to make their thangs bigger!  Them white boys in them porno movies have bigger thangs than you, Slappy!  Ain't no white man suppose to have a boa construction snake like that!"  I said as we turned the lights out and closed Mr. Raymond's orifice door.
 

About The Author

Thomas Lee Watts