War Is What Peace Is All About
by: Colonel Morton T. Morton, US Army (ret),  RepublicanPress.com War Correspondent

(Baghdad, Iraq)
I quoted the lines above then turned from the window of our small domicile and walked ever so manly back to where Colonel Pooner stood. The words of Shakespeare burned in my mind, like the burning sensation a man gets when he is infected with the clap. The burning sensation was strong as I reached for the cup of coffee that Colonel Pooner handed me. As my mind burned with Shakespeare's words I looked at Colonel Pooner to judge his response to my verbal repartee.

Colonel Pooner replied, in a manly voice:

The poem brought back memories of happier times.  Times spent during  our lonely days in a Vietcong prison camp.  As he spoke those poetic words he handed me a cup of coffee. His words rang truer today than when he first wrote them. I looked at him as  he recited those words in an ever-so-manly fashion, and as I looked I marveled at my friend and fellow warrior.

Colonel Pooner and I are manly Republicans doing great deeds in this country of camels, mad men, sheiks, and women with both big and small tits. I guess as I write this now  I can see that Colonel Pooner and I are indeed manly men bringing  peace unto these people of Iraq. But, peace will not be won until we fight  like hell for it, and then be willing to fight again, because what good  is peace when there is no fighting involved?

"It's been 2 days since I was last shot at, or since some crazy-assed  Iraqi hasn't thrown some type of human waste by-products at me." Colonel Pooner said to me, as he and I walked back to the  window. He then sipped his coffee, ever so slowly, and in a macho fashion reached  down with his right hand and scratched his war weary crotch. He then cocked his right leg up and farted a manly fart. I sipped my coffee and listened to my friend and comrade as he spoke those words, and I  marveled once more at his manly words and ways.

"Peace isn't yet upon these 'Raqis, but these 'Raqis are now free.  Free to have their own government, free to argue their cause, free to marry  and divorce, or even have a mistress on the side. Free to fight, free to  charge high prices, free to open factories, free to work cheap labor."  I stated as we looked out our window. I wanted to say more, but it  was then a bullet struck my friend, my comrade, my pal, my fellow  warrior, Colonel Pooner. The bullet grazed his left shoulder, and then  made a quick turn and landed as molten lead just above his left cod.

"DAMN!" Colonel Pooner screamed as the hot lead bored into his person.  Luckily, Colonel Pooner had lost his left cod to "Charlie" back in Vietnam,  so there wasn't any haste to remove the hot molten projectile. I must  admit, however, that I was jealous of him for being shot. I quickly  dropped my cup of coffee and grabbed my rifle.

"RAT-A-TAT-TAT" was the sound my rifle made as I squeezed round  after round into the surrounding area. I knew not where to shoot, nor  did I see who exactly shot at Colonel Pooner and myself, but that didn't  matter. No, shit like that don't matter during times like these. Sure, I  was mad that I wasn't the one that had been hit, but I didn't let that  impede the firing of my weapon. No, I just squeezed round after round  into the busy street, and brought several 'Raqis closer to Allah with  each round.

"Me soooooooo hornnnnnny.." Colonel Pooner yelled out as he grabbed his weapon and opened fire. "Me boo-coo horny!  Me teach you morals and values!  Me bangie-bangie mama-san!"  He continued the verbal assault, along with  the "RAT-A-TAT-TAT" of his weapon at the 'Raqis in the street.

It was about then that all got quiet once more. No more sounds of gunfire.  No more bullets flying into flesh.  I thought about how these 'Raqis don't know that  they are free now. Free to start their own government, free to have an  Iranian type of Islamic government led by Shi'ite fanatics.

"Who knows, maybe someday these 'Raqis will have a true government,  like we have in the U.S.A. The kind of government where conservatives  rule and wacky preachers dictate their views. But, sadly, there is always a chance that liberals will be included, and that would be bad  my friend." I said as I proceeded to cut the molten hot lead from Colonel  Pooner's person. As I inserted my knife, Pooner's manly man blood  spewed upon me. Pooner cursed me in a manly man fashion as I  dug deep inside his crotch with my knife.

"Yeah, maybe these 'Raqis will have their own Jerry Falwell, or Pat  Robertson to step forward, and maybe, they can elect good conservative  leaders like President Bush. Yet, there is always a possibility that they'll  elect a liberal 'Raqi judge that allows for radical Kurd trial lawyers to run amuck  with liberal runaway Kurd judges."  Pooner said through clinched teeth.

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." I replied as his  blood squirted into my eyes.

"And these damn Ragheads don't have anything else to lose!" Pooner  said right before he passed-out from the pain. I marveled at his manly -man ways that he passed-out, then I marveled as he released his  bladder contents upon me.
 

About The Author

Colonel Morton T. Morton (U.S. Army Retired)

1965:  Graduates the Citidel 1966:  Goes to Vietnam  1966:  Shot by a private in the American Army 1967:  While on a mission in Vietnam, captured by VC 1967:  As a POW is forced to have sex with an old VC by the name of Harry "Duck" Dong 1968:  Escapes back to U.S. base 1968:  Diagnosed with VD, loses left testicle 1969:  During Tet Offensive, shot in right eye           by an American MP 1970:  Marries High School Sweetheart Dottie Cods 1970:  Wife leaves him, runs off with a brush           salesman 1970:  Marries Vickie Cunter 1971:  Wife Vickie Cunter runs off with hippie by the           name of "Tool" 1972:  Transferred to Europe 1972:  Shot by American solider at Berlin Wall 1972:  Loses part of the feeling in right leg 1973:  Transferred to Middle East 1973:  Advisor to Israel 1973:  Loses hearing in left ear due to being shot           by Israeli solider. 1973:  Shot five times in buttocks by Arabs during            the '73 Arab - Israeli war 1974:  Transferred back to 'Nam 1974:  Accused of raping farm animals and elderly           women during raid into VC country side. 1974:  Marries Army Major Diane Lee 1974:  Admits to raping one pig. Defense is it was           a means of firing his men up. 1974:  Army Major Diane Lee leaves him for VC           defector Harry "Duck" Dong 1975:  Returns home and marries Bess Turdgood 1975:  First child is born--- Morton T. Morton Jr 1976:  Second child born-- Joe Morton Morton 1977:  Third child born--- Turdgood T. Morton 1978:  Transferred to Japan 1979:  Shot in hip by American solider 1980:  Transferred to Grenada 1981-1984:  Shot by jungle monkey and shot by one                   of the students at US medical school in freak accident during surgery.  1985:  Transferred back to United States 1986:  Goes to work for Reagan White House 1986:  Meets Ollie North 1986:  Suggests to North a brilliant plan to sell arms to Iran.