Deep Drilling In ANWR
by:  Kathleen Kuntly, GOP Media Diva

With oil reaching record highs, the cries from the liberal leftists have grown increasingly louder. They want to blame President Bush for the record high fuel prices, instead of bad boy Bill Clinton.  These environmental eggheads are holding our economy hostage with their eco-terrorist tactics!  The time has come to report the truth.  Drilling in ANWR would help to keep our homeland safe and our fuel prices low! 

I arrived in Anchorage, Alaska as a cold artic wind blew head long into the city. Once I found my hotel, I quickly retired to my room and drew myself a hot bath. The cold artic winds blew hard outside, but my white, silky smooth skin, lay soaking in my hot bath. As the hot water oozed over me, and into certain crevices of my body that had been used the night before, I began to think about all the liberal ninnies and their obsession with this frozen tundra state.

“Damn, wacko-eco freaks!” I said to myself, as my finger began to circle the nipple of my left breast. Soon, that nipple was rock hard and standing at attention as my finger made it’s trip around it. “We need that oil! The liberals have no morals, 9/11 changed everything….” I moaned under my breath.  “Ummm......” I moaned out, as I could feel my anger manifest itself. Soon, I was in the throes of sheer bliss as my other hand made its way into the steaming, soapy, water. “Double bubble toil and trouble. . .” I morphed out as my fingers found my G-Spot underneath the warm water.

The next day I went out to interview some of the Halliburton construction crew who were working on building the Alaska pipeline. I knew that I could use my reporting skills to go deeper than the liberal media, and get to the meat of the story. Soon, I did indeed find the meat of this story.  Later that night, I found myself intoxicated and engorged with the Halliburton Pipe Layers. And, let me tell you, these men could lay  pipe!  I guess I stayed in the room with a whole crew of pipe layers. “UMMMMM.....OOOOOH. YESSSSS!” I screamed out night after night and day after day during my stay with these Pipe Layers.

These boys showed me how they always hit a geyser when they drill!  My non-virgin patch gushed night after night and day after day from the drilling I was taking. “Roughneck me hard boys!  Drill til you see my gusher then drill some more!” I yelled as those 12 or so Drillers tapped my natural resources.

I stayed for 22 days with these rugged, horny renegade drillers and then I was off to club baby seals with some devout club toting conservatives. It was there that I began to feel ill. I had clubbed my first baby seal and I was hoping to kill a whale or possibly some endangered species, but sharp pains rocked my stomach and I was sick each morning from then on.

I was taken to see an Eskimo Shaman for the pain I was feeling. I was nervous as I entered into his igloo and noticed that he was an aged man. Yes, he was indeed old, with shaky hands, and I was in pain as I stripped naked and placed my feet into the stirrups.  Doctor Frankie Seal Fur was his name.  I waited for him to do his thing upon me. I felt so cold and alone.  As his trembling hands entered me, “down there," I knew something was amiss. “OOOPS....” Doctor Frankie Seal Fur as he examined me with a rusty old coat hanger.

“Did you get it?” I asked in an anxious voice.

He nodded his Eskimo head in the affirmative and I knew that once more I had been cheated out of motherhood by a liberal activist doctor.  Once again, the sanctity of life had been forsaken.  After I recovered from Doctor Frankie Seal Fur’s botched cooter exam, I sat out again to examine the liberal lies. I could see nothing but snow covered land just aching to be drilled.  "This land wants to be drilled, and drilled deep and hard.....I know how this land feels.” I said to myself and then I got back into my private jet for my long journey home.

 

About The Author

Kathleen Kuntly

1975:  Graduates All Girls Private School, gets pregnant, has abortion    1976:  Enrolls at All Girls College, gets pregnant, has abortion    1977:  Dad leaves Kathleen's mom for a guy that used to date Kathleen    1979:  Graduates College    1980:  Princeton Law school, head of Princeton Anti-Abortion League    1981:  Leaves Princeton, pregnant, has abortion    1982:  Harvard Law School, Head of Harvard Anti Abortion League    1983:  Leaves Harvard, pregnant, has abortion    1984:  Obtains law degree from Church of the Giving College              via the mail, becomes anti abortion advocate for the college    1985:  Goes to work in White House for I. Fester Auspice    1986:  Time off to have baby out of wedlock, Lobbies against Single Mothers    1987:  Comes back to work in White House    1988:  Leaves White House to work for I. Fester Auspice    1989:  Time off to have another baby, still not married    1990:  Starts woman against abortion and for adoption    1991:  Works for I. Fester Auspice once more    1992:  Time off to have another baby    1993:  Works for George W. Bush in Texas    1994:  Works once more for I. Fester Auspice    1995:  Time off from work to heal from unidentified sexual illness.    1996:  Writes for Conservative Magazine    1997:  Writes Book, Traitors:  Liberal Shit Up To My Tits    1998:  Columnist    2003:  RepublicanPress.com