Republican Humor and Conservative Satire

Myths And Facts About ANWR
by: Conrad Burns -- Science Editor, RepublicanPress.com

(Anchrorage, Alaska)
I was in the RepublicanPress.com Science Lab when I received a call from Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. "Conrad we need the facts about ANWR. These liberals are spreading misinformation about how much harm drilling for oil in ANWR will cause." Senator Stevens urged. I agreed and told him I would be on my way to Alaska to find the truth. I am a man of science and I deal with the laws of science. I have no time for myths or hearsay. I use Republican reason and the scientific method to draw my own conclusions without bias.

I quickly ended the experiment I was doing with my lab rats, Ruby and Oswald so I could catch the next plane. I was running an experiment using Ruby and Oswald to study the effects of a new product from Big Okie Power. This experiment had to wait until I got back from Alaska. (This was an experimental drug trial of a new product from Big Okie Power Company called, Big Okie Humping. This new sex drug was supposed to allow any male to have multiple ejaculations. Oswald, the male lab rat, had spewed more than 40 ounces of rat sperm upon Ruby, the female lab rat, in the last twenty minutes. I was amazed, but I had to go leave because the Republican Party needed me. (Full Disclosure: Conrad Burns owns 3.7 million shares of Big Okie Power Company and sits on the Board of Directors)

I arrived in Alaska the next day and I made my way up to ANWR. I began doing various tests on the area. I came to conclude through my various experiments that the talk from the Democrats and liberals about ANWR being a pristine wilderness is nonsense! ANWR is nothing more than a damn desolate place! There ain't shit here except some bears, fish, birds, over-sized deer, elk, woods, and a few natives called, Eskimos.

I have done several experiments and control tests in ANWR since I arrived and I have finished my study of the area. I have come to the following conclusions:

Liberal Myth 1: ANWR is a pristine wilderness area

FACT: There ain't shit here in this place! There is hardly anybody that lives here! What wildlife there is here is very dangerous! There needs to be some type of wildlife control placed on these animals!

Liberal Myth 2: There is a huge Polar Bear population and drilling for oil would hurt these bears.

FACT: ANWR has a lot of white bears like we have in Virginia. I have not seen any signs of these so-called,"POLAR BEARS." The bears I have observed are white and eat a lot of fish and other creatures. I captured a small white bear and I poured a can of Big Tex Motor Oil on it. I watched and observed the effects of oil on this white bear. My conclusion was no harm was done to the white bear! The white bear ran off into the woods, and did not seem to have been harmed by the motor oil!

Liberal Myth 3: There is abundant wildlife in ANWR

FACT Three: I seen a few deer and white bears. The finish seem to be under water most of the time. The deer I saw were always running and I couldn't get close to them. Liberals, mislabel these ordinary deer as ELK, or MOOSE, but they are just big ass deer with big ass horns! Hell, we have deer in Virginia. What 's the big deal about these deer?

Liberal Myth 4: Drilling for oil in ANWR would disrupt the wildlife and the native people of this area.

FACT: Like I stated before there are a few deer and white bears here in ANWR. Also, there is a group of people here in this area called, Eskimos. These people want oil bad! Oil is a status symbol to these people. I asked one Eskimo, "Do you want oil companies to drill in ANWR?" The Eskimo just looked at me and farted! I think that is the Eskimo's way of saying yes. (I have studied a little about their local customs.)

As you can see -- I am a man of science. I always construct a hypothesis and test my hypothesis before I publish the results in my columns. I spent more than 45 minutes total in the ANWR area doing these tests. I am a person that believes in doing tests to arrive at the facts.

My conclusion: We need to drill for oil in ANWR.

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