Republican Humor and Conservative Satire

Now that President Bush has been re-elected, he has been given a mandate to reform silly environmental laws. Liberal egghead scientists and tree hugging nature lovers are running scared. For years, the liberals have put America at risk by claiming that the earth is getting warmer. As a trained conservative scientist I can make the following statement, with moral clarity: "Global warming is just a damn theory!"

I know that the liberal eco-nuts see this as a bold, daring, and just a tad bit sexy statement to make, but I am laying it all on the line. I have drawn a line in the sand, so to speak, with all the leftist liberal scientists. The line is clear, and I am a conservative scientist with the morals and resolve to stand here and proclaim that liberal theories on science don't help Republicans to make money!

What is a theory? That is a good question to ask, and I will answer that question. A theory is an educated guess. All my years of sitting on major corporate boards, and my one semester of science at TJC-TDI* has given me, Conrad Burns, the right to make such a guess. [ *Texas Junior College and Truck Driving Institute ]

My world, the world of science, is filled with many intriguing and mysterious theories which seem to defy logic. There is the Theory of Relativity, the Theory of Gravity, the Big Bang Theory, and of course the Theory of the Female Orgasm. All of the these represent an educated guess, a shot in the dark, or just a wild hair up the ass of some egghead liberal scientist. You can even add the Global Warming Theory in with all of these, and then you can write them all down on paper, then wad that paper up - and wipe your ass with it.

The Kyoto Treaty is a treaty endorsed by a bunch of Asians who think they know shit about science. Kyoto makes the assumption that Global Warming is caused by CO2 from fossil fuels. Wow! CO2 is carbon and oxygen times 2. Now, I ask you - How can that harm anything? oxygen is a colorless odorless gas that liberal eggheads claim we need to survive. My lab findings have shown that oxygen is not as vital to the human race as once thought. Man cannot survive on oxygen alone, and this is why porno movies, beer, and women with big tits are important to our survival as well.

Kyoto also uses the term, "Global Warming," when Global isn't the right term that we scientists have given the earth. The earth, in scientific terms is an "orb." Yes, an orb that the Sun rotates around causing warmer weather in the Spring and Summer seasons. The actual reason for the warming is simple. In the spring and summer, women go into what we scientists call "heat" and start dressing sexy as hell in short skirts, and skimpy little shorts. These women are trying to signal that they are ready to mate, and that they would like to find a well hung male to engage in the mating ritual. This causes the ORB that we, humans, trolls, elves, and others live on, to become warm. The warmth is due to heat radiating from "down there" on women throughout the world.

To show that Kyoto is a joke and has no impact on the effects of fossil fuels and the environment, I devised an experiment. My test involved: 30 cans of motor oil, a glass beaker, 4 bottles of Beefeater Gin, a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee Beer, and various other items.

"Global Warming.....shi-i-it!" I remembered saying as I slurped down the last of my Beefeater Gin. Then I laughed that evil scientist laugh, "HA-HA-HA-HA!" as I fell off my lab stool and onto my lab floor.

The room grew dark, and strange flashing lights filled the room, as two aliens appeared before me. "Earthling, why do you worry with silly liberal theories?" The little green man asked me, as he picked me up from the floor. I was a little scared, but I, being a man of science, knew that this little green man was from outer space.

"Your ways are strange earthling," he said as he drank my Old Milwaukee Beer. Then he slung me over my lab stool, yanked up my white lab coat, and pulled my lab pants and lab underwear down to my knees. He then proceeded to probe the hell out of my ass - in the name of science, of course. I was somewhat stunned by his actions, but I had been down this road before, and I knew that this was simply standard procedure for space aliens. So, I wasn't too shocked as he probed the hell out of my anus. No, I wasn't shocked; for I am a man of science and I knew that the little green space alien was far more advanced than we humans, so I endured the probing.

"Fossil fuels can't harm your ORB." he said as he continued his deep probing. "We have advanced technology, and our propulsion system is light-years ahead of your primitive system. Ours is based on CO2 that we suck out of your ORB's atmosphere." He added as he put what looked like a rusty screw driver into my anus, and then he yanked my penis with what looked like a nasty pair of tweezers.

Although the pain was intense, being a man of science, I knew that I wasn't in any danger of being killed, or worse yet, raped. I knew that all space aliens were beings of science also, and that their main purpose was to seek and find new and fascinating ways to study the human body.

"Human, you must lead the fight against the Kyoto Treaty; for it isn't worth the paper it is written on!" A strange voice said to me as I found myself on all fours. I felt the clutching gasp of tiny dwarf-like hands around my torso, and I felt something else slipping inside my well probed anus. The little green man, or SPACE ALIEN, had left me with a Troll, and now that troll was riding me like I was his sexual horse.

I wasn't too worried, at this point; for I knew that Trolls normally do not harm humans, but still, this Troll was ramming his point home to me.

"Human pull this and a great mystery will be revealed to you." I did as he requested, and sure enough a white globby substance soon splattered my face and coated my hand. The Troll in front of me let out a moaning sound as this unknown substance spewed onto me.

I don't know when I was transported back to my lab, or how I came to be back in my scientific domain. But, I awoke with a sticky like substance on my face, hands, and in my buttocks. I was somewhat dazed and confused, but I knew I had seen the future! There standing beside me was Fred and Frank, my two lab assistants who work part time as midgets in the circus . I told them of the experience I had just had, and they laughed all the while they were zipping up their little midget pants.

"You can wipe your ass on the paper that Kyoto Treaty is written on!" Frank the midget said with a laugh as he and Fred walked out of my lab.

"Global Warming is a farce!" I said as I picked myself up off of my lab floor, and reached for another bottle of Beefeater Gin.

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