Damn Dan Rather's Memos!
by:  Judge Roy Bean IV,  Ragweed, Texas

(Ragweed, Texas)

I had just returned from Iraq, where I was advising on the Abu Ghraib prison scandal.  I was only home about 10 minutes, when I was hit right between the eyes with all this flap over Dan Rather and the supposed memos from President Bush's National Guard days.  "Who in their right mind would think that President Bush would shirk his duty, even back in his nose candy snortin' days?"  I asked myself as I poured myself a big ole' glass of OLD CROWE whiskey. I then settled back in my La-z-boy recliner and watched the news on my giant screen boob-tube.

Being an old Texas judge, and an ardent conservative Republican, I know that freedom of the press is an unintended right we Americans have been saddled with by our forefathers. It doesn't take a Harvard-educated-liberal-activist-judge to see that the right of the press has been abused like a red-headed stepchild in a colored family.

Most of the liberals gleefully point to the U.S. Constitution, article one, to make their case for freedom of the press. I'll be the first judicial son-of-a-bitch to tell y'all that this particular right stated in the Constitution is way over blown! Yes sir, like a blow job from a toothless Fort Worth whore, this supposed freedom is not all it is cracked up to be.

In Article One of the constitution it states: 

There you have it, Article One of the U.S. Constitution. Now, where in the hell does it say anything about freedom of the press?  I'll kiss y'all's nasty ass if you can show me in that Article One where it says, "Freedom of the Press."

It doesn't say, "Freedom of the Press," but it makes references to abridgin' the freedom of speech, or of the press. Hell, it don't take no long-haired-liberal-mouthpiece to see that abridgin' shit don't mean you have the right to print shit about other shit in a newspaper.  Naw, what we have here is what we call in the legal world as a, "case of first impression, which has led to a misnomer of premeditation upon the bold and beautiful."  Hell, this is all legal mumbo-jumbo that means:  You can't write about things that powerful people do!  Another thing, abridgin' means, "to keep from building a bridge over something," and hell fire, ain't nobody talkin' 'bout building shit here!  Hell's bells, who in their right damn mind would want to build a damn bridge anyway?

To be able to interpret the Constitution we have to pile all the innuendoes, tidbits, morsels of truth, and other relevant, or non-relevant information together and boil them down.  Yes sir, interpreting the Constitution is kind of like looking into the toilet after a big ole' Texas size shit.  Sometimes, truth rises to the top.  Sometimes truth sinks to the bottom.  But it really don't matter 'cause in the end it's always just shit anyways.

What we have here is a case of, "He said and He said."  By that I am speaking of Dan Rather saying things about President Bush during his Guard days.  The other part of the He said and He said is what President Bush has related about those days of his in the Guard.

Hell, the party of the first part is Dan Rather. What do we know about dandy Dan?  Well, we know that Dan was on President Nixon's shit list.  We know that Dan hounded President Reagan over that damn Iran-Contra shit.  And, we know Dan works for CBS that liberal, French commie media outlet.  So, after deducing, and douching the facts we can come to the conclusion that Dan Rather does have an "Ad-Hoc" when it comes to conservatives.  This being the subjective case, we can therefore cede that dandy Dan would be liable of spreading plagiarism forthwith, and did so in a manner that only could be construed as bad faith.

Hell, that is all legal mumbo-jumbo, and what it means in plain old Texas lingo is:  Dan is commie who used bad documents to spread a bunch of shit about a patriotic Republican President!

The party of the second part here is President Bush. His Air Guard days are now in question by such media liberals as Dan Rather. Was President Bush AWOL? Did he snort coke? Was he as drunk as Cooter Brown during his Guard days?  Hell, if he was, what or who got screwed, bopped, and/or diddled from his young wild hair up the ass days?

Side bar-  Shit, I've sat on the old judical bench for a long time, in fact so long my old ass got plum numb!  I've got to tell y'all that when it involves a good conservative young man from a good Republican family I couldn't care less what he drank, snorted or injected into himself.  Hell fire, shit like that ain't worth me gettin' on my old judge's robe, but if some good looking young lass got poked in the deal, then count me as wantin' to be on that bench!  That is where the rubber meats the road, and old Judge Roy will be puttin' on his rubbers underneath his robe for a case like that!

In conclusion, when it comes to Dan Rather, I would rule LOTTA-SUM-BULL-SHIT!

About The Author
 

Judge Roy Bean IV