Proud To Be A Paid Bush Pundit
by: I. Fester Auspice,
Former Reagan White House Staffer / Poet Laureate

The recent news of conservative columnists being on the payroll of the Bush administration has shocked some people, surprised some, and even turned-on a few more. But, it shouldn't be seen as an abnormal occurrence, seeing how we are Republicans who love money living in a free capitalistic society.

I too, without much fanfare I might add, have received payment for favorable services rendered.  I too have prostituted my pen for the good of President Bush's conservative ideas. In other words, I am a paid whore of the neocons, whom I gladly service with both of my hairy legs spread eagle and high up in the air.

I received $300,000.00 from the Department of Education to help bring NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND into reality.  I also received $200,000.00 from Health and Human Services to promote MARRIAGE, and in conjunction with JERRY FALWELL's group, I was paid $20,000.00, as I promoted ABSTINENCE.  So being the successful entrepreneur that I am, I combined the 3 together into what I gleefully called, "THE NO CHILD BEFORE MARRIAGE, DOING IT FROM BEHIND, ABSTINENCE PROGRAM."

I began my well funded quest to spread Republican morals and family values by getting an adjunct professor's position at the local all girls college across the street from my house.  I dressed in my finest double-knit trousers, 50% polyester plaid shirt, my finest thumb-tack cap atop my head, and I also wore my white briefs that I received from the fine people that produce WILD TURKEY whiskey, which has embroidered the on the front, "BIG TURKEY MAN."

It didn't take this old Republican and former Reagan staffer to figure out that my job of spreading morals and values was going to be a long hard slog. Yes, my first day I noticed most of the young ladies in my class had very tight asses, large breast, and some even had bare beavers under their school girl attire.

I started my class with a porno film called, "BLACK BART BUCKS."  This was an attempt on my part to get the young college lasses to see the effects of pre-marital sex with huge, well hung, Afro-Americans of the darkened hue. I could tell my film was getting to the heart of each lass; for I could see them squirming, hear them moaning, and some even unbuttoned their precious college sweaters!

Next, I attempted a role playing lesson with selected students.  Mostly the large buxom ones, or those who I could sense in my loins were at risk for whoredom.

"Let me just touch your boobies..." I said as I read from my prepared script. Then, I reached out and touched her.

"No, no, I must save myself for marriage . ." The young chosen lass replied.

After she read this line I stopped the role play to suggest to the class that it is o.k. to offer a hand job in lieu of sex. Then I reminded them that it is also acceptable to show one's goodies to their mate. It was then that I de-pantsed myself to the class, revealing my white briefs with the phrase, "BIG TURKEY MAN," embroidered on the front.

To help education along, I encouraged each lass to fill her shot glass with ice and Wild Turkey, which I brought a case of to class.  I could tell that I was really making inroads with the college lasses, as they began to "loosen up", revealing their special places to yours truly. Yes, I was reaping the benefits of being a "good teacher."  Some even shaved their "special places", while others preferred to keep their "beavers" well trimmed, and others had really wild, hairy, bushy, "beavers" and or "twats." 

The class ended when I became overwhelmed by the possibilities of reaching young minds and  probing, prodding, their  young, tender, sweet, bodies.  "I'm a bear pawing your hive in search of your honey!" I said as I cupped my hands in front of my mouth pretending to be a bear eating their honey.  It was then that the liberal, leftist, college dean walked into our learning center.

Needless to say, but I was escorted out of the building by several college security people.  The liberal dean didn't even give me time to re-pants myself, and the over whelming evidence showed upon my "BIG TURKEY MAN" briefs. Yes, Mount Auspice did erupt sometime during my lecture and now it's hot, sticky, love lava, oozed out, coating the front of my "BIG TURKEY MAN," briefs. This is just another example of the liberal public schools interfering with President Bush's abstinence program.
 

About The Author

I. Fester Auspice

Born and raised in Tupelo, Mississippi.  I. Fester was turned down by the draft board in 1968 with bad feet. Graduated from Bryan College 1969 where he was captain of the track team. Listed for draft as A1 in 1970, but turned down by the Army due to "real bad" feet. Called once more for draft 1971. Enrolled at Bob Jones Graduate School 1971 (Earns B.A. in Conservative Bible Studies )    Drops out of Bob Jones 1971,  Called for draft once more, Draft deferred once again 1972:  Goes to work for Governor Reagan 1973:  Runs for and elected to congress from Utah 1975:  Calls for term limits in Utah congress 1976:  Runs for and elected to congress in Montana 1980:  Worked in Reagan Presidential Campaign 1981- 1988:  Worked in Reagan White House 1989:  Ran for and lost Senate seat in Idaho 1990:  Ran for and lost congress seat in Nevada 1991:  Elected to Colorado State House seat 1992:  Lobbies against "career politicians" 1993:  Ran for Senate in Wyoming and lost 1994:  Ran for and lost Governor of Maine 1996:  Wrote book, Tear Down This Wall! 1997:  Goes on lecture circuit, speaks on family values, and Reagan 1998:  Goes to work for RepublicanPress.com 1999:  Liberal judge appointed by Bill Clinton places I. Fester on house arrest for exposing himself