Reagan's Plan For Iran
by: I. Fester Auspice, Former Reagan White House Staffer, Poet Laureate
 

The liberal media have set out to crucify President Bush for his secret plans to invade Iran. It is a little known fact that President Reagan foresaw the trouble that Iran would one day become.  In fact, I had several high level meetings with President Reagan about his strategy for dealing with Iran while I was working in the Reagan White House. I have recently received approval from the CIA to present partial transcripts of these discussions to the readers of RepublicanPress.com!

I remember walking into President Reagan's hospital room on a cold December day back in 1987. President Reagan was awaiting his yearly physical. He was sitting up in his bed, with his striped pajamas on, and he was watching his favorite television show -- Tom and Jerry. President Reagan was roaring with laughter as the little cartoon mouse ran from the cartoon cat. I spoke softly, "Mr. President, I came in today to brief you about Iran."

"Oh, ok, you ran where?" President Reagan asked me as his eyes were still watching the cartoon mouse being chased by the cartoon cat. "No sir, not I ran, but Iran the country." I remarked. President Reagan then laughed aloud at the cartoon as I tried once more to explain the reason of my visit. "Iran, the country, sir." His chuckling continued as he looked up from the television in a somewhat confused look. "I run the country I. Fester. I am the President."  He said as his laughter abated.

"Yes sir, I know you run the country, but I am speaking of Iran the country," I pleaded.

He nodded his head and shrugged his shoulders upward, and then he pointed at his bedpan and said, "I run the country I. Fester, and if you don't care put that bedpan underneath me. I have a feeling that something is about to run right now!"

As he pulled down his pajama bottoms I slid the bedpan under him. I tried once more to explain the reason for my visit. "The arms for hostages, sir." I said as I positioned the bedpan in its appropriate place.

President Reagan strained and grunted as he remarked, "Sure let's give arms to hostages. That makes sense to me. If we give guns to hostages then they can fight their way to freedom." I stood there and once again wondered if he and I were on the same page. President Reagan's brilliance was sometimes too much for my simple mind to grasp. "No, sir the arms for hostages deal that involves the country of Iran," I clarified.

President Reagan sat quietly upon the bedpan as he thought about what I had just said. He then turned to me, "I. Fester while I am trying to think about what you have just said, would you care to take a peek in the old bedpan and see if daddy has made a gift for mommy yet? Nancy will be so proud that I poo poo'ed by myself!"

I got up and eased over to his bed. I bent downward to view the bedpan. As I got about two inches from the bedpan President Reagan yelled, "Incoming!" As the words came out of his mouth a massive bowel movement splashed down into the metal bedpan. I was shocked not only by his words, but the rancid odor of his Presidential pile of poop!

"Wow, that just took a load off of daddy's mind," Reagan said to me. "Now, let me get this straight, the country you run wants to arm hostages?"  He asked as I wiped off the splatters of his feces from my suit.

"No, sir, not the country I run, but Iran the country, and the arms for hostages deal." I said tiredly. I looked at President Reagan squarely in the eyes as I said those words. His head bobbled left and right in that now famous Reagan bobble of his. "Wipe me," Was all that he said as he rolled off of the metal bedpan. I started to wipe his massive, time-worn crack when he yelled, "Fire in the hole!"  And with that warning President Reagan expelled a mighty round of putrid Presidential gas on my hands.

"Look, I don't care what you want to do with your country and those arms- just go ahead and do it! Daddy wants to take a nap now," President Reagan said as he rolled over and closed his eyes. I finished wiping all the poop from his behind, and I left his room, taking the poop-laden bedpan with me.

As I stand here today in the present drying my hands, I think about President Reagan in those glory days. I think of what he was trying to teach me on that cold December day. President Reagan wanted me to know that sometimes you have to go through a lot of shit to do the right thing. I think back now to how masterful this mental giant truly was, and how the liberals have always mistaken Reagan for an idiot.

"There was was a wise old man - and he did his best, even when he was just pooping in an old metal bedpan" -- is a line from my poem, 'The Old Man and His Poop.' That line from that poem came to mind as I walked out of my bathroom and sat down to write this column. Yes, I will always remember Ronald Wilson Reagan.
 

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