Editorials
Times Like These
By Boxcar Pud Acuff, Country Crooner
Jul 5, 2006, 00:04

Lord have mercy and pass this old country boy a flag, so I can run that sucker up a flag pole and salute it. Yes sir, this old country crooner is like every other southerner I know.  The sons of the south take our patriotism really serious, and we want to add a flag desecration amendment to the constitution.

Being a proud Tennessean, I love the the U.S. flag - old glory, the stars and stripes - and I'd gladly give up my freedoms for that flag. Oh sure, I'd be the first to tell y'all that we southerners once succeeded from this great land, 'cause we wanted the rest of America to be white like us, vote like us, and of course, have others working for us for room and board. Yeah, we southerners broke away and became Dixie land, so we had us a new flag to worship - the stars and bars - and by-damn we still fly that sucker!  But, now we are back and are apart of these United States.

Shoot, I couldn't have been more proud of our southerner senators: Jeff Sessions and John Shelby of Alabama, and Tennessee's own dynamic duo, Lamar Alexander and Bill Frist. Yes sir, to hear these fine southern men stand in the well of the senate and argue against flag burning was plum moving, it was like a patriotic Ex-Lax for me.

Them liberal fellers say,"..it's all relative." Well, now I don't reckon I've got any relatives in this hunt!  No sir, none of my people have ever burned a flag - I don't reckon they did, maybe they did back during the Civil War, but we was at war then!  I reckon them liberals are more worried about freedoms than they are about keepin' old glory safe from hippies!

Shoot, in times like these, we've got to do things different, be more secretive, and possibly lose some of the freedoms that we have in order to save those freedoms. There are fellers out there that want to take away the things we Americans hold near and dear to our hearts. Things like: freedom of the press, freedom of speech, freedom to own a gun, freedom to worship, free to buy
and sell shit. All these things make some people in the world mad, so they want to take us over, destroy our way of life. So, we've got to have the right to fight for freedom, but we ain't got the right to have a different view of freedom than President Bush!

We have an old sayin' down here in Dixie 'bout loving the flag of your country. "I pledge my allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republicans; for which they are the man, invisible and just us for once and fer all, with liberals under us, from sea to shinnin' sea under the rockets red glare!"

"We've got to give up some of our freedoms - like freedom of speech - 'cause freedom is under attack! The question is which would you rather have. Freedom of speech, or do you want to live? Shoot, if it means me living, then hell, you can have my freedom of speech!" Granddaddy Steamboat Acuff told me.  Shoot, we were sittin' on Dude Watson's front porch when he told me this, and I remember a mullin' that question over in my head.

"I reckon, I would choose life over freedom of speech." I replied.

"There ya go! You see, Pud, you’re a pro-lifer just like me and many other proud republicans. A man can have freedoms, but they ain't worth a shit if you ain't got life. So, it's best to let them freedoms go by the wayside and let President Bush tell you what to think." Granddaddy said, as he sat there on Dude Watson's front porch with me. Then, he went back to back to whittlin' on a gourd. I just sat there a watchin' him whittle and I pondered his thought provokin' emaciated words of freedom.  

Shoot, I have to tell y'all, I ain't never been so proud to be a southern boy livin' in America than I was that there day. Yes sir, I could feel my pride a swellin' up on the inside me. It's times like these that makes a feller proud to be livin' in the good old U.S.A., below the Mason-Dixon Line of course..

"We've got to do things in secret durin' times like these." Grandaddy said as he whittled that gourd into a long oblong object, that kinda looked like a dong.

"I thought you were a whittlin' a bird house?" I asked with a queer look on my face.

"He was, but my old la..la..lady's fe..fe..female sting organ is an actin' up." Dude said.

"Americans have got to know that we Republicans are lookin' out fer their best interest. Shoot, while our brave young men and women are over yonder in I-raq, our brave Republican leaders are fightin' the good fight over here agin flag burners, queers, and them damn abortionist!  Listen boys, it's up to us conservative southerners to bring the people of America back to patriotism. Shit, nothin' says red-white-and blue like us sons of Dixie. Our forefathers rebelled and they broke away from the U.S.A. Then, they got their asses kicked by them Yanks, and when us southerners get our asses kicked...well, let's just say we respect the ass kickers.  There it is, boys. That is the reason we southerners are such flag wavin' patriots. We don't give a hoot in hell fer freedoms of the press, speech and shit like that.  We southerners just want to live and tote a gun...with a bible tucked under our arms. Because, a man never knows when he might have to take up arms agin his government!"