Editorials
The Next Big Thing: Republican Investment Guide
By H. Robert Hoover, Chief Economist RPC
Jun 11, 2006, 10:56

The glorious wars of tomorrow are being fought today and it is an exciting time to be a Republican investor!  President Bush and the Republican leadership in America are bringing back the good old days of:  war, inflation, high gas prices, rising debt, and of course, American patriotism.

Happy days are here again for the rich, but where does a wealthy Republican look for great investments?   Patriotic American businessmen are always on the lookout for the best way to preserve their capital and “stick it” to the little guy.  As such, we have to think outside the box and begin to look for overseas investments so that we can diversify and take advantage of these great untapped, unregulated markets!

The following are just a few of the new companies and industries in this new world that I believe are poised to “break out” as the next big things.  Now might be the time to get in on the ground floor.

Jumping Johnny Jihad's Novelty Company 
This Baghdad company has been in business since 1972 and is the leading producer and supplier of Iraqi novelty gifts. Jumping Johnny Jihad is lead by Ali Anwar Azzwiper, a very disciplined CEO and former head of Saddam's Republican Guard.  Ali Anwar Azzwiper has proven that Iraqis love a good joke. This little novelty company has made money every year since 1972, even when times in Iraq were hard.  Ali Anwar Azzwiper averted a hostile takeover by shareholders last year by having the top  shareholders beheaded, which proved that not only does he have a keen business strategy, he also has a great sense of humor!

Jumping Johnny Jihad's Novelty Company specializes in items for swinging Iraqi parties. Items such as:  fake camel turds, flaming camel shit in a paper bag, rubber dildos, plastic camel dongs, fake goat tits, exploding plastic cars, vibrators, watches, TVs, microwave ovens, fake WMD warheads, tents, Bedouin gowns and complete Bedouin outfits, rubber boats, rubber tires, rubbers (i.e. condoms) for the up and coming Iraqi man, cock rings, computers, strobe lights, heavy industrial steel, and rape room furnishings. 

As you can plainly see, Jumping Johnny Jihad's Novelty Company has the products to be successful in today's world and they have leadership for tomorrow's world.  I rate this company A STRONG BUY!

Chairman Mao's China Company
This little known company makes heavy lead boots, industrial smoke stacks, industrial oils, industrial packaging, microwave ovens, microwave radios, computers, fake dog hair, crab cream, anal enhancers, fecal enhancers, penis enlargement gadgets, nuclear power, atom smashers, tit pullers, nipple clips, paper clips, septic tanks, septic tank busting bombs, acne medicine, fire alarms, fire hydrants, matches, Chinese finger cuffs, cock rings, dildos, watches, radios, televisions,
and fireworks.

Chairman Mao's China Company is headed up by Wing Lee Ping Ju, a very fine CEO and former communist leader. Wing Lee Ping Ju has a unique business plan that involves high-tech factories staffed by Chinese prisoners! It is a win-win plan! Low cost and higher than hell volume!   I rate this company a BUY.

Dotheads International
This Indian company seeks to expand by offering shitty products at a discount rate.  Dotheads has taken the American way of business and combined it with the good old fashion Caste System of India.  Dotheads International makes: radios, watches, ovens, stoves, septic tanks, field lines, laxatives, shit catchers, piss buckets, cock rings, dildos, vibrators, industrial douches, naval cleaning products, nipple rings and pullers, tractors, bulldozers, cars, trucks, penis cream, nut busters, and chicken by-products.  I rate this company a BUY