Editorials
Why Gas Prices Be So High?
By Thomas Lee Watts, RPC Janitor / Columnist
May 8, 2006, 22:51

The infestation (investigation) begins.

Slappy Peterson - the other colored man that work fo' ( for ) RepublicanPress.con ( com ) - and I, Thomas Lee Watts, were about to pull out of New Mexico and be on our way fo' ( for ) Wisconsin, the land of chess ( chesse ). But, as fart ( fate ) would have it, we'z be divulged ( deverted ) from our destitution ( destination ).  I'z suppose - really I'z popinjay (Editor’s Note:  Damn, we don't know what he means here!) the prostitution ( maybe, the prospect? ) - we'z had wore-out our welcome with the Indians known as "Phillos" ( Piutes ).

Slappy had profundity ( promulgated ) he self  ( himself ) upon all the squalls ( squaws ) – the female tribulation ( tribe members ) - which in turn, led to several of the squalls ( squaws )  with vaginal discomfort ( ??? ) , i.e. engorged virgins ( ???? ). He, Slappy, used his weapon of mastodonic proportions - i.e. his "thang" - and the squalls (squaws ) became very entrenched ( enamored ) with Slappy and his "thang."

"Slappy! You'z got us defecated (???) from these nice Indians!" I'z pontificated in a rather hash ( harsh ) term.

"It behovers me, and I might add I'z am opah ( Slappy is Kingfish?) , to knows that I'z be so well adonis ( adored ) by the squalls ( squaws ) of this trisection ( tribe )." Slappy returded (???).

We'z then got the Phillos ( Piutes ) to fill up Slappy's caddie with pectoris ( petrol ), as we'z pulled out for Wisconsin – the land of chess ( chesse ).

We'z was pulled over by a state trooper near Texas and handed a message from our boss, Mr. Raymond Clodstill - he be my bro-in-laws ( brother-in-law ) too - which stated that we'z be needed in Dallas, Texas to meet with Lee Raymond - the  CEO of TEXACO - about he ( his ) returdment ( retirement ) that included a golden pair-a-shoot ( parachute ) deal.

"A golden pair-a-shoot ( parachute ) deal is more than needed fo' ( for ) a man like, Lee Raymond. He - Lee Raymond – deserves all he gets, because he get pectoris ( petrol ) prices to go skyhigh!" I'z oaken ( opined ).

"Um, yes. I hole ( whole ) hardy ( hearty ) agrees with you'z ( your ) absurdity ( Damn, Slappy might be correct here! ) ,  Thomas Lee. But, I will add, and I might add with great medulla mendacity ( ??? summary deceit ? we just don't know what Slappy is trying to say! ) , Lee Raymond is also a very, very, fat man! A very fat bastard of a man!" Slappy repartee in an oral fashion.

So, we'z drove like sons-of-bitches, as fast as we'z could to Dallas, Texas. But, we'z drove into Utah and Montana befo' ( before ) we'z realistic ( realized ) the follicles ( follies ) of our ways.

We'z met Lee Raymond in his orfice ( office ) and he was more gratuitous ( gracious ) in answering our quisbies.

"Mr. Lee Raymond, frist ( first ) let me, Thomas Lee Watts, thanks you'z fo' ( for ) agreeing to see'z us. It be more than vaginal ( ?? ) of you'z to do'z so. Why gas prices be high?"  I quisby him, after I'z thanks the shit out of him fo'  ( for ) being so kind.

He, Mr.Lee Raymond, went on to expunge ( explain ) that he not set the price fo' ( for ) pectoris ( petrol ), that be the forces of the freeze-market ( free-market ). He say that the suppler ( supply ) out strips the demented ( demand )

"Yes, yes, what you'z speak of is more than quite the contaminate ( context ) of what be'z the realty ( reality ) of the segregation ( situation ) " Slappy said as he tipped his old bowler hat and as the half-smoked cigar dangled from his thick bottom lip.

Mr. Lee Raymond nodded his fat head that he understood Slappy's liniment ( lament ).

"Slappy Peterson is my name, and yes, I'z be Thomas Lee's ami and his discomfiture ( ??? ). Mr. Raymond, we'z have  been on a crucifix ( crusade ) to expunge ( expose ) the recent tributaries ( tribulations ) of the so-called Katrina victors. Yes, we'z have dodecaded ( documented ) how easy it be to mortify ( ?? ) monastery ( monetary ) from people that feel sorry for the douchees (?) of the great storm  known as , Katrina. A terrible salami (tsunami ) of bibulous projections ( biblical proportions ). So, Thomas Lee and I, Slappy Peterson, went out searching fo' ( for ) the debauched unsuspecting publicists (????)."

Mr. Lee Raymond once again nodded his fat head that he understood Slappy's mortification ( ? ). He then - he being Mr. Lee Raymond - smiled, farted a fart out of his fat ass, and then smiled again.

"It behovers me," Slappy continence ( continued ) , "that the flea-market ( free-market ) sets the price-is-right ( price ) of pectoris ( petrol ), and with that being the class ( case ), we'z must infesticate ( investigate ) the mums and poops ( mom and pops ) that own service stations around this great country. In other words, Mr. Lee Raymond, I'z feel that we'z must go underclover ( undercover ) as Pump Monkeys ( evidently, Slappy is talking about posing as service station attendents ) and find out who put the  price up and how they get them prices up there."

Mr. Lee Raymond once again nodded and farted. Then, he went and got us some purty ( pretty ) white uniflooms (uniforms ) fo' (for) us to wear. Pump Monkey (??) uniflooms ( uniforms ).

"We'z looks nice and our investable ( investigation ) begins now on  whither ( whether ) there price modification of cunnilingus (???). But, we'z must axe (ask ) ourselves this quisby, "Why gas prices be high?" I'z polypopped (?)as we'z walked out and as our purty ( pretty ) white uniflooms ( uniforms ) shined in the spring Texas sun. Yes, above my left pocket stitched in red was,"Thomas Lee." Slappy's, of course had "Slappy" stitched in red on he white shirt.

"Moist ( Most ) defiantly ( definitely ) we most ( must ) axe (ask ) that quisby and axe ( ask ),"Is our chil'ren ( children ) being learned (?) ?" Slappy say'z ( said ).



© Copyright by YourSITE.com