America At War
Sideline Generals Question Bush
By Colonel Morton T. Morton, RPC War Correspondent
Apr 11, 2006, 21:10

(Tikrit, Iraq)  The evening sun had dropped below the horizon, yielding proof that the majesty of another dessert night was upon us.   I walked over whence my fellow warrior, Colonel M. Pooner Dawgivich, sat with his eyes firmly fixed on our perimeter.  Without saying or uttering a word, I began opening the care package that I had just received from home. 

This old Republican warrior was moved to tears as my eyes beheld the gifts my lovely wife had sent me.  I was simply overcome - I cried like a teenage schoolgirl, who just found out that she was late for the fifth month in a row - with my wife's impeccable sense of what gifts would mean the most to me, and tug at this old warrior's heartstrings.  There before my tear laden eyes were items that made me feel like a king of kings, on this majestic dessert night:

• A jar of "Old Cod" Crab Cream
• A nude picture of my wife
• A pack of Viagra, Enzyte, and Extenz male enhancement pills
• A dirty story written about herself, myself, and my friend Colonel Pooner in Bangkok.

"What you got there, Morty?" Colonel Pooner asked as he turned around, scratched his old war weary right cod, then he farted.

"Oh, just...." I tried to say, but my words wouldn't come -  much like I didn't come the last time I was with my loving wife - so, I just showed Colonel Pooner what I had received.

 I know this seems odd coming from a Republican fighting man like me, but I knew that Colonel Pooner had relations with my loving wife the last time we were on R&R in Bangkok.  He had told me so, and I took it hard. Then, I became enraged when he told me she took it even harder, and so, we fought.  My rage got the best of me, words turned to blows, and we fought like two schoolgirls cat-fighting over some high school quarterback stud. But, I apologized to him afterwards, and he forgave me.

"Damn, I'll never forget that night in Bangkok, Morty. I have never had a wilder...." Colonel Pooner started say, as he reached into my gift bag and got out the Old Cod crab cream.

"Look Pooner, I held that against you - what you and she did while I was in a drunken stupor - but I hope you will forgive me for my jealousy, and stupidity that caused us to come to blows." I said, interrupting him, and then I stuck out my hand in friendship to him.

Unfortunately, Colonel Pooner's hand was covered in Old Cod crab cream. As his slime-filled hand shook mine, he looked at me - man to man - and said, "Morty, I forgive you. Hell, maybe you had a right. I don't know, but I would never judge you, lie to you, or bang your old lady...well, I did do that, but the other two things I would never do to you."

It was a moving moment as we stood there, each of us naked, with Old Cod crab cream dripping off our hands.

"Damn, what about those sideline generals criticizing President Bush and his plan for victory over here in Iraq?" I asked, as Colonel Pooner and I stood naked, watching, and waiting.

"Trainer, Clark, Zunni, or whatever the hell that bastard's last name is, should be shot!" Colonel Pooner replied as he reached into my gift bag and pulled out my wife's nude picture.

"Haven't those generals seen the backdrop behind President Bush every time he speaks about Iraq? That backdrop always has written on it: A PLAN FOR VICTORY. It says it all." I said, as I watched Pooner fondling my wife's nude picture, drooling from his old, wrinkled lips.

"Damn, your wife is hotter than...." He started to say.

"Yeah, I know - hey, I agree with you that those sideline generals haven't been keeping up with the good news about what we are doing over here in Iraq. New roads, new schools, maybe even a little electricity for some lucky Iraqis." I said, cutting Pooner's diatribe about my wife off quickly. I was becoming a little angry at Colonel Pooner and the way he wanted to talk about my wife. I guess I was a little jealous of her, being with him, and them together, grinding, fornicating like wild animals. Yes, I guess I was being selfish - so, I apologized once more to Pooner, and he accepted.

"Those generals, Morty, are just jealous - jealous that they aren't here getting the glory.  Just as you are jealous of me and what I did with your wife, so too are those generals." Pooner quipped as he begin to read the erotic story my wife had written about him, her, and me in Bangkok.

I once more marveled at my fellow warrior, my friend's insight on things, and the way he could phrase those things in words that were more than apropos. Yes, my friend - this man - this warrior of warriors - was truly the Rasputin of repartee. It's no wonder he could get my wife to have sexual relations with him, she was lucky indeed, I thought to myself.  A slight grin appeared on my face as I pondered, and I could feel that urge in my weapon, that was my manhood.

"Oh yeah...she is hot - boo-coo hot," Pooner said as he continued to look at my wife's nude picture, and as he read the erotic story she had written, stroked her picture with his Old Cod cream slimy fingers. "Moo Goo Gai Pan!"  Pooner added, showing off his knowledge of foreign language.

I don't know what come over me, but it did. I picked up a rock and bashed the shit out of Pooner's old, bald, bulbous head.  Maybe, I was mad because of his command of a foreign language; for I didn't know what Moo Goo Gai Pan meant.  Was he talking dirty about my wife? Was he saying something about those sideline generals: Clark, Trainer, and Zanni - what ever the hell his name is! These questions rolled through my mind like a horny school girl rolling on roller skates.

"You over sexed bastard!" I screamed as he fell, with his old, bald, bulbous head bleeding profusely. I then, got my .45 out and shot him in his old leg.

BANG-BANG! I shot him twice.

"You slobbery old, dried-up, drunken bastard!" Pooner yelled as he too drew his .45 and shot me, then pistol whipped the shit out of me.

We fought for about 2 hours in that little guard post of ours. I would hit him with a brick, he would hit me with a lead pipe. I would shoot him, he would stab me. The battle raged and no winner was to come of it. Finally, I pulled the trip wire that led to the explosives that we had wired around our guard post, just in case the enemy overran us.

"So long Pooner! It's time to collect your 72 virgins!" I yelled as I pulled the trip wire.

KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! was the sound the explosives made as they went off in sequence.

Soon, there were rocks, bricks, tin, pieces of plywood, dirt, and the remnants of our shithouse falling upon mine and Pooner's head. Being naked, both of us felt the pain of all this falling destruction.

"Morty! Morty!" I heard Pooner yelling from under a pile of rubble. I quickly cleared the debris from my nude body and made my way to Pooner's voice.

"I'm coming my friend!" I yelled as I dug his old weary body out of the rubble. I wiped the dirt and dust from his bleeding old, bald, bulbous head.

"Morty, I think those generals - those sideline generals - are just jealous." Pooner choked out, as I held him in my arms. Pooner tried to smile, but instead he shit in my lap.

"Semper-fi, my friend - jealous sideline generals," I said, as Pooner tried to smile once more, but he couldn't.  No, Pooner was in too much pain to smile. It was then I noticed that Pooner had a hard-on.

"Can't help it, Morty.  This old Republican war whore gets excited when he's in battle. And, this old warrior gets horny at the thought of war, and of course, your old lady." He replied.