(Sugarland, Texas) Today in front of a crowd of at least 10 or 12 people, Brother Merv Kilgore kickstarted his campaign for Tom Delay's House seat!   Brother Merv worked the crowd into a frenzy with his campaign slogan, "I might be a has-been, but at least I've been there."

Listed below are Brother Merv's stances on issues facing Republicans today.

Abortion

I've never had an abortion. I am for life, liberty, and of course, the pursuit of happiness. I'm Pro-Life, Pro-Air, and I'm Pro-Porno.

Marriage

"Hell yes! And I am miserable!"

Education

Schools.......now there something we can all rally around. Yes, an education is nice, but at what cost?  True, we need our kids to get an education, but at what price? I'm Pro-Education, Pro-Life, Pro-Learning, and Pro-Kids, Education ought not be a football that is tossed around by "politicians." It is fourth down and three yards to go and we must "swing for the fences." I am Pro-Education.

Family

Ah, family, we all need somebody. A unit of a mom, dad, son, and a daughter. Or, maybe, the family across the street where the dad is always at work, the kids are at school, and I am looking at the mom through my binoculars. She slowly slips out of her robe......yes.
I'm Pro-Family.

Faith

We need faith, somebody ought to believe in something.
I'm Pro-Faith.


Border Control

We must control our borders with more controllable methods. Control comes only after we have enough control about ourselves to realize that we are losing control. The border need to be controled by those of us that are in control. I'm Pro-Control.

Gun Control

When we control guns, then only criminals will have guns. I am Anti-Gun Control, but really I am Pro-Anti Gun Control. I believe that everyone should be armed and dangerous! So, I am Pro-Anti Gun Control


Other Shit

I am Pro-Other Shit. It's simple, somebody ought to
do something.


Stem Cell Research

"Prisoners ought not be coddled ! What we need is more
prisons and less mamby-pamby research!"