This country, this land, this desert oasis of mighty rivers and sand, has seen many forms of violence, danger, senseless killings, and of course, rape rooms galore. The lady Iraq, is indeed standing on the edge, shaking that stuff as Uncle Sam grinds away on top of her spewing the seeds of freedom all over her bosom.
I, along with Colonel M. Pooner Dawgivich, stood on the dais with the new Iraqi government as they were announced to the world. Yes, I cried as each new member's name was called. I'm not ashamed to admit that fact - to be honest, I cried like a teenage school girl who just had given her virginity to the quarterback stud, only to find out that the rest of the football team were watching the whole time through the back window of the stud's Chevy.
"..a watershed moment in history." President Bush said to us all, via the television set. As he spoke those words my tears flowed down my war weary cheeks.
As I wiped away the tears from my war weary eyes, I couldn't help but look over at Colonel Pooner to gauge his response.
"Damn, this is moving me in ways I never thought possible." I said as leaned closer to Colonel Pooner so my words wouldn't be overheard.
"Yeah, it is something to see a new government taking control in this land. But, damn if I ain't horny for that 'Raqi babe in the 3rd row of the audience!" Colonel Pooner said as he grabbed his war weary one nut crouch. Then, he made a grinding motion with his old, war weary hips, motioning that he was grinding her as he spoke.
"Alas, a new nation is being born. New ways, new hopes and dreams of its people are being fulfilled. I think the poet said it best when he said: The road less traveled is best." I remarked.
"When it is all said and done I would have to admit / That she was lady that loved to have fun / So, I played with her great big tits, while she used her hands to jack-off my gun." Pooner’s prose dripped off his tongue like honey, as he air-grinded away upon the stage, still holding on to his old war weary, one nut crouch.
Any government, whether new or old, goes through growing pains of discontent and distrust, so to does this new government of Iraq. With all the fanfare of the announced cabinet posts, one couldn't help but see that 3 posts remained unfilled. The posts of Defense and Interior were 2 of the 3, and the third being some post that neither I nor the Iraqis gave 2 shits about. Nevertheless, work lay ahead in forging this new government, and I only hope that Kurds don't become the fly in the ointment. I knew that Pooner and I had to approach the situation with our Republican sensitivity in tact.
"I hope those damn shit-for-brains Kurds don't become the shit in the shitter." Pooner said as he and I walked off the stage, ever so manly, back to new commands. He scratched his war weary cod as he spoke these words to me - I nodded my affirmation to his oration of wisdom.
Colonel Pooner was to command the new Iraqi Defense Force, and I was place in charge of the new Iraqi Interior Forces. Yes, we had the opportunity to change things, to show how modern man works out his differences with one another, and to show that simple ragheads, dotheads, and shit-for-brains Kurds could rule together. But, to be honest, I was worried about the Turkomans.
"It's bad enough, Morty, that we have to train the dotheads, ragheads, and the shit-for-brains Kurds, but those damn smelly ass Turkomans give me the creeps!" Colonel Pooner lamented.
My Interior Forces - the Iraqi police - were mostly made up with Sunnis, where as Colonel Pooner's Defense Force - Iraqi Military - were made up of Shia. So, getting these 2 forces to work together was a daunting challenge. The Shia distrusted the Sunni and the shit-for-brains Kurds were hated by both, and the damn Turkomans were disliked by all and even their camels!
"BAM-BAM-BAM!" was the sound the came ringing through my ears as my men and I patroled a lonely Baghdad street. I knew we were under fire, so, I ordered my men to take cover. I then ordered Corporal Kinky - my aide-decamp - to run forward and scout out the situation. The young corporal did as I had requested and soon "BAM-BAM!"
"I'm hit!" Corporal Kinky yelled. I ordered a Turkoman recruit to go to the young corporal. He did as I had ordered. "BAM-BAM!"
"Yoal-lamma-vida-mack-o-roona..." the Turkoman hollered, or it was something like, I don't know really, because who in the hell knows what the son-of-a-bitching Turkomans' language really mean?
"Give up Morty! We have you surrounded." Colonel Pooner said through his bright green bullhorn. I knew then that my forces were being targeted by Colonel Pooner's forces.
"You over-sexed rat bastard!" I yelled back and then ordered my men to open fire.
"BAM-BAM-BAM-RAT-A-TAT-TAT-BAM-BAM!" were the sounds that were heard as my forces open fire on Pooner's forces.
A fire fight in full force had broken out between my forces and Pooner's forces. Sunni against Shia and Kurd. Shia against Sunni and Kurd. And, the damn Turkomans were getting the worst end of the deal!
"Take this!" I screamed as I pulled the safety pin from the grenade with my mouth. I then flung that bastard towards Colonel Pooner's position.
"BOOM!" was the sound as it exploded.
"Morty! You fag face queer loving bastard!" Pooner yelled back as he launched a rocket at me.
"KA-BOOM!" was the sound I heard as that rocket blew close to where I was hunkered. I shit my pants and quickly regained my composure.
"BAM-BAM!" I fired my weapon at Pooner's old, bald, bulbous head, but I missed and hit Corporal Kinky.
"I'm hit again!" the corporal yelled.
"I bangie-bangie your old lady, Morty! Me boo-coo do her all night! Me so horny - me do her loooong time." Pooner yelled as he raised and fired his weapon at me.
"BAM-BAM!" was the report his rifle made.
"I'm hit again!" Corporal Kinky yelled as he laid in the street.
It was then that all bets were off! Pooner was my best friend, but enough was enough! Pooner might have saved my life during Vietnam, but he did do my wife! It was then I called in an air strike onto his position - little did I know but Pooner had done the same on my position.
Soon, jets roared overhead. "KA-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!" were the sounds that permeated our area. Yes, bombs were going off all over, and not a building was left standing.
"Morty! Help!" I heard Pooner's plea for help. I ran to where the rubble lay atop him. I quickly removed the debris from his old war weary body.
"I'm here my friend!" I yelled as I pulled his war weary body from the burning rubble. I then held his old, bald, bulbous head in my lap, as I brushed away the bits and pieces of battle.
"Morty, what came over us?" < cough-cough > Pooner said in a weakened voice. He then looked me in my eyes and cut a mighty fart.
"I....I don't know...damn this land!" I replied.
"I'm.....so < cough - cough - fart - cough > sorry, Morty." He remarked. "It must be those damn shit-for-brains < cough > Kurds...and those smelly < fart > < cough > ass Turkomans." he added.
"Damn right.....Semper Fi, my friend." I said as I held Pooner's war weary body and bald, bulbous head close to me. "Just another watershed moment gone bad, my friend." I added as Pooner's bladder emptied it's cargo upon me.
