Shoot, I know this might be hard fer y'all to understand, but it ain't hard fer me, 'cause I'm a big time semi-star in the world of country music. So, this puts me in the position to know some shit about the shit I cover, and believe you me, I know my shit.
Well, I think I know my shit, but some people claim I don't know shit from shinola. Anyway, I reckon I know 'bout poll numbers and people likin' you, 'cause that is the way it works in the country music world and the world of politics.
President Bush is down right now in the polls. Some polls say he is down around 29% in his job approval. Shoot, that means 29 cents out of every dollar, and that my friends is a pretty good profit in the business world!
I reckon people are gettin' weary of that patriotic war over yonder in I - Raq. I don't know if these weary people have gone pink or fag, but I do know that we've got to keep on fightin'! It's like good neo-cons say, "It's best that we fight'em over there than fight'em...ah...ah...fight fer the right.....ah...ah...fight'em over yonder to keep fightin' over there?.......when Johnny comes marchin' home?.....ah...." Well shit, I don't what the neo-cons say 'bout that, but I'm sure it's something 'bout staying the course.
Hey, I done went and forgot to tell y'all 'bout my new job. Besides being a big-time, semi-star in the world of country music, I've went and got a job with WPIS. Yeah, I'm what they call a "pundit", or a "talk radio personality", or a "conservative talk show host," and some people even call me a "dumbass." Yeah, I don't mind just as long as you call me fer dinner!
In Nashville, WPIS is the 50 watts beacon of truth and talk...conservative talk, that is. 50 watts of get-in-your-face, no-holds-barred, dance-with-the-one-that-brought-ya, take-one-fer-the-team, I've-got-a-little-peter, talk blasting through the greater Nashville neocon area on your A.M. radio dial!
Well, enough of me braggin' on me. President Bush has got some low poll numbers - that's fer sure - but that don't mean he ain't doing a good job. Well, shit, I guess most people think he ain't doing a good job, but that's to be expected in times like these.
President Bush reminds me a lot of my old granddaddy Steamboat Acuff. I reckon, he and granddaddy are both the guys in charge and shit like that. And, I reckon too, that both men have been dealt bad hands to deal with problems.
I went home recently - good old Mule Ass, Tennessee - to see my old granddaddy and my old home place. Lordy, the old home place looks the same as when I stepped down from the train. And, there to meet me was my momma and pappa, and down the road I looked and there runs Mary....wait, damn that's a country song that I got mixed with me going back home. Anyway, I pulled up to the home place and the memories flowed in my mind, like piss pourin' out a nasty boot. I saw the old front porch and I remembered the times me, little brother Cornbread, and old granddaddy would sit on that old porch. Mercy, I remembered granddaddy teachin' us 'bout truth, honor, justice, and how truth sometimes hurts.
"You pull them pants off, Cornbread," I could hear granddaddy say. My mind was awash with his voice as I looked at that old front porch. "This is truth coming in hard and fast!" Granddaddy would say as he bent my little brother over and shoved his old granddaddy rod of truth up little brother's poo-poo. Yeah, goodtimes, and family values I thought as I sat there in my pickup truck rememberin' all the things that happened on that front porch.
"You get the hell out my driveway!" yelled the feller glaring at me over his shotgun barrel. I reckon I was at the wrong house, looking at the wrong front porch. So, I pulled out really fast. Finally, I made it to the old home place.
Granddaddy Steamboat reminds me of President Bush. You see, granddaddy was elected to be the Mule Ass City Mayor and he went to cuttin' taxes. Yes sir, just like President Bush, granddaddy couldn't stand taxes, so, he cut them.
Granddaddy cut out all that there big government shit like: new school buildings, school lunches, and teachers pay. Shoot, then granddaddy went after all the waste in Mule Ass government. He cut out: road repair, water treatment, and he done away with silly rules and regulations. "Ain't no need in havin' somebody keep your water clean - we need take responsiblity fer ourselves." granddaddy told the people.
Well, the people of Mule Ass had more money in their pockets - well, some of the people did - and granddaddy got re-elected. "Cut taxes and we'll balance the county's budget through higher revenues! City government's spending is the problem!" he said.
Pretty soon, businesses pulled out, kids left to get an education, and the little town of Mule Ass looked run-down and empty. Yes sir, tax cuts had their effect and we were feeling it. Then, the Duck River came a floodin'.
Lordy, I ain't never seen so much untreated water in all my life! There were logs - both human and non-human - houses, cows, pigs, and roofs floatin' around. Wouldn't you know it, the folks blamed granddaddy. Yeah, all 'cause there wasn't any
relief workers, emergency workers, policemen, and others to help. Yes sir, them tax cuts took care of big government.
Well, the people of Mule Ass called granddaddy some bad names and his poll numbers went plum down till they became alphabets! Lordy, it was bad. Several Mule Assians came and got Dude and granddaddy Steamboat one hot, wet summer's night. Them folks pistol whipped Dude and made granddaddy dance and sing while they did.
"You bunch of liberal fed whinny bleedin' hearts..." granddaddy started to say to them folks, when somebody cold-cocked him with their pistol. granddaddy cried, peed his pants, and begin to sing and dance fer them again.
Well, I've got to end this here report and/or op-ed piece. In the end, granddaddy got it in his end. I sure hope President Bush has better luck than granddaddy.
