Victoria's Secret Opens In Baghdad!
by: Colonel Morton T. Morton, US Army (ret),  RepublicanPress.com War Correspondant


(Baghdad, Iraq)

Colonel Pooner and I, along with our aide-decamp, Corporal Kinky Fugate, were at the Al-Rasheed Hotel when the bombs hit.  We were there to take Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz around the city. We had stopped off at the brand spanking new Burger King in Baghdad for breakfast before heading over to the Al-Rasheed. "I'll take a Jihad combo with Kurd Coffee," I said to the man behind the counter.  The man behind the counter was about 6'3" and weighed 250 pounds or so.  He had a mustache and wore lots of gold.  He also wore a military uniform. His name tag read, "Saddam."  I waited on my Jihad Combo and I said to him, "Damn, you look like someone I know."  He just smiled and said, "Next please." Colonel Pooner then stepped up and said, "I'll have the Republican Guard Combo with coffee."  He too looked at the man behind the counter with the name tag that read, "Saddam."  It was then Corporal Kinky's turn and he ordered the, "Mother of-all-Iraqi-Breakfast."  Corporal Kinky was pleasantly surprised when Saddam, the man behind the counter, informed him that his combo came with a "Search For WMD Gamepiece" and map!  We sat down and ate our breakfast and we all tried to place the name and face on the man behind the counter with the name tag that read, "Saddam."

After we had eaten we all ordered a "Shakey Sheik Milkshake."  When we left the new Burger King of Baghdad we waved to the man behind the counter.  We then got into our Haliburton Company Car and headed down to our next stop.  Colonel Pooner began to reflect as we drove, "Morty, the liberal media won't report good news like that new Burger King being opened in Baghdad.  They only want to fixate on the bad news.  Hell, if it ain't blowing up or burning and bleeding, the liberal news media won't report it!"   Colonel Pooner was right, and I couldn't help but agree.  "I know.  Shit, to hear the commie liberal press tell it, Iraq is another Vietnam!  This ain't no Vietnam my friend!  You and I were both in 'Nam, and you know the horrors of watching your best friend get raped by  VC!  You stood like a rock while Harry Dong, that bastard VC, raped me!"  I told Pooner. 

Corporal Kinky then wheeled our Haliburton Company Car into the Grand Opening of Baghdad's first Victoria's Secret store.  We watched in awe as Iraqi women were buying panties and bras.  A tear come to my eyes when an old Iraqi woman walked up to me with her arms full of panties and said, "Thank you GI Joe, and thank President Bush!   For today, I buy panties for the first time in my life!"  This old Conservative warhorse got choked up from this old Iraqi bitch's broken English confession  I got so sentimental thinking about how long this dothead cunt has probably waited to cloak her stinking, sandy twat with a nice pair of underwear.   I looked at her through my patriotic tears and replied slowly so she could understand me, "You welcome mamma-san.  America love you long time."  Being a conservative Republican, I know how to show compassion for fellow human beings, and this old bitch definitely deserved it.

As part of the Grand Opening ceremony, we were to give a speech to the people gathered here at Iraq's first Victoria's Secret.  Colonel Pooner proudly stepped to the front of the store and began these words to all:

Tears of joy flowed down this old warriors face, like piss pouring out of a boot!  Colonel Pooner, my friend, my warrior buddy used his tongue prettier than a two dollar whore. 

After his speech was over we walked around the store.  "You won't see the liberal media covering big stories like Iraqi women buying panties!" I said as we all three got back into our Haliburton Company car and headed for the Al-Rasheed Hotel.  "Hell, there wasn't any explosion going off!  That's all the blood thirsty liberal media wants to cover!"   

"You're  right!  Hell the liberal media won't tell the story about how great things are here in Iraq!"   I said as our Haliburton car came to a stop.  "Hey, I think I found the WMD prize on this here puzzle," Corporal Kinky said as we walked to the hotel.  It was about that time that rockets came roaring overhead and blew shit everywhere!   We ducked behind a dumpster for cover as gunfire began to erupt all about us.  "No, the media won't report about the new Burger King, Iraqi women buying panties, schools, hospitals, and all that other shit, but I bet they report this!" I said to my comrades.