A Former Reagan White House Staffer -- I. Fester Auspice

• When Reagan shits, I. Fester thinks it's gold.   I. Fester loves to talk about morals, values, and his memories of Reagan.  Ironically, I. Fester is a closet pervert who is on "house arrest" for repeatedly exposing himself.  He has to write his columns from his apartment, and he blames the whole ordeal on the "liberal judge appointed by Clinton" who sentenced him. 

Dumbass Scientist -- Conrad Burns -- Science Editor

• Conrad took a total of one science class at Texas Junior College and Truck Driving Institute almost 25 years ago, and that was plenty of education to land him the Science Editor job at RepublicanPress.com.  Among Conrad's recent discoveries:  Oil drilling is good for wildlife, there is no such thing as Ozone, and female orgasms are a myth.  Conrad is on the payroll of almost every large corporation in America.

Religious Hypocrite -- Brother Merv Kilgore

• Brother Merv never graduated high school, but he has his own church in Ragweed, Texas. Brother Merv is pastor of the Church Of The Giving, a church and religious university he started after selling used cars.  Brother Merv considers himself an expert on history and morals, and he frequently mangles both in his columns.  Brother Merv has several outreach programs for prostitutes.

Senile, Retired War Analyst -- Col. Morton T. Morton (US Army ret.)

• Col. Morton T. Morton is in his 70's but he is an old warhorse who just loves battle.  He's been shot more times than he can count, and he loves the feel of hot lead in his body.  Col. Morton had to retire from the military because "Clinton let the queers in."  Ironically, Morton always had an odd fondness for showering with his men.  Morton loves to speak on Clinton, morals, and patriotism and he is known in brothels throughout the world. 

Female GOP Perspective -- Kathleen Kuntly -- Media Diva

• Very opinionated, bigoted, and crude.  Kathleen Kuntly loves to lecture on her hatred for Bill Clinton and liberals in general.  It sickens her how Clinton fornicated in the White House, yet she secretly fantasizes about him.  Kathleen believes there are two types of people in the world: 1) Real Americans, and 2)  Working class idiots who make under $100,000 per  year.

Clinton Conspiracist -- Claymore D. Liddy -- Ex-CIA Spy (ret)

• Poor Claymore just can't accept that Clinton got off the hook with Ken Starr.  Claymore has been spying on Clinton for over 10 years, and Clinton always gets the best of him.  It's just like Coyote and Road Runner and Claymore is the right wing idiot Coyote.  Like Coyote, Claymore uses odd spy gadgets to help him try to bring Clinton to justice!

Economist -- H. Robert Hoover

• Great Nephew of President Herbert Hoover, the man who ushered in the Depression.  H. Robert Hoover is a compassionate conservative who frequently refers to the working class family as "Wally Whitetrash and Tammy Tampon."  Hoover believes tax cuts (for the rich), and making the middle class work harder are the answer to any problem.

Silver Spoon Pundit -- Dick Itcher

• Dick's father was a muti-millionaire, and gave Dick everything he has on a silver platter.  Dick has never worked a day in his life or helped anyone.  However, he is firmly against handouts, government programs, and any kind of aid for the poor and unfortunate.  He believes people should pull themselves up by the bootstraps, like he did!

The CEO -- Raymond P. Clodstill -- Editor In Chief

• Raymond P. Clodstill owns a majority share of RepublicanPress.com.  He is constantly schmoozing with top name Republicans at media and press corps gatherings.  Always an ultra patriot, Raymond and his family recite the pledge together everyday and sing Lee Greenwood songs each night before bed.

Token Liberal -- Christopher Jennings

• Just so they can say they are balanced, Raymond Clodstill hired a liberal columnist.