Can't Get My Mind Off Tom Delay
by:  "Boxcar" Pud Acuff, Country Music Star / Proud Neocon

(Mule Ass, Tennessee)
 



Shoot, I ain't never been accused of being smart and shit like that, but it ain't kept me from being a big time country music semi-star.  No sir, I reckon I was born to be three things:

Number One: I was born to be stupid.
Number Two: I was born to be a big time country music semi-star.
Number Three: I was born to be used by a woman like my ex-wife and singing partner,Pussy Willow.
And Number Four: I was born to be a Republican. Well shit, I reckon I just couldn't get all them things into just three things, so hell that brings us back to Number One!

Lordy, I just can't get Tom DeLay off of my mind. I know - I know, you people are goin' to be as shocked as pecker heads at a numb nuts convention, but ole' Pud does think about things from time to time. Like just the other day, I had  thoughts 'bout "doing" my ex-wife, Pussy, but every time I do I think 'bout ole' Tom DeLay and his troubles.

Ole' Tom DeLay is in a heap of trouble now, or as granddaddy Steamboat would say, "Neck deep in shit with a bucket of piss flyin' at his head!" And, it's all because of a vast left-wing conspiracy being perpetrated by the liberal media.  Shit, I don't know what a conspiracy is, but I'm pretty damn sure it ain't good! And, I reckon my ex-wife Pussy has been perpetrated on numerous occasions by other men.

I went down to my home town, Mule Ass, Tennessee, to find out first hand how all this shit 'bout Tom DeLay was effectin' the average person.  You see, I live in Nashville now, and there ain't no average people here - no, we're all country music semi-stars here in the bright lights and neon glow of Nashville.

"Dude, load your gun and keep your powder dry, 'cause we got to bring repercussion to them liberal judges, just like Tom DeLay said."  Granddaddy Steamboat Acuff said to his best friend, Dude Watson. I reckon both Dude and granddaddy were pissed off, and they were going to bring repercussions to them liberal judges, and I reckon too, they were both drunker than shit from drinkin' moonshine.

Lordy, granddaddy and Dude stumbled out the door of the house and commenced to shootin' at anything that moved, or didn't move at all. "BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!" were the sounds of the reports from their shotguns. Lordy mercy, I ran outside to see that they had shot-up grandma's new car, Dude's '47 Dodge pickup truck, two house cats, three dawgs that  laid under the porch, and then they had shot each other!

"From my cold dead hands, you liberal pink-o bastard!" Granddaddy Steamboat yelled out as he lay there on the ground. I ran over to help him, but damned if he didn't fire-off another round at Dude. "BAM! BAM!" was the report from granddaddy's shotgun, and I heard Dude hit the ground with a sharp thud.

"I . .be. . be . .believe in the san . .san . .sanity. . sanctity of. .of of. . of . .shit. . LIFE!" Dude stammered out, right before he fired another salvo at granddaddy. You see, Dude Watson stutters and can't speak too plainly  It was 'bout that time that grandma Enola Gay came out of the house, and she commenced shiverin', shakin', and speakin' in an unknown tongue. And that's when her legs gave out and she collapsed.

"From dust to dust, boys. She's gone to a better place to get her reward. Dust to dust, boys." Granddaddy Steamboat said as we all gathered 'round grandma. Lordy, I set into singin', "When the roll is called up yonder", and Dude Watson set into cryin', granddaddy Steamboat just kept sayin', "From dust to dust." Little brother Cornbread noticed that grandma was still a breathin', and it was then that granddaddy pointed his shotgun at her and said, "She wouldn't want to die that way! It's best that she go out in a blaze of glory!" I grabbed him before he could pull the trigger and we loaded grandma up in the back of my truck.

I let granddaddy Steamboat drive, while me and Cornbread held on to grandma in the back of the truck, Dude Watson rode up front too so he could console granddaddy.  I reckon he needed lots of consoling because Granddaddy had to stop for beer about 3 times on the way to taking grandma to the hospital. Hell, I bet we passed every local hospital around, but granddaddy said he wasn't goin' to take her to no government run hospital - no, he said it was best to take her to a privately run hospital, like HCA. He said, "Them run-for-profit hospitals always take care of a person's money better."

I guess we drove 100 miles or so looking for an HCA hospital, and finally, we found one that granddaddy liked. The doctor there looked at grandma and said she was all right, but he wanted to keep her over night - just for observation. Hell, granddaddy pulled grandma's dress up and said, "Observe all you want doc, but it won't look any better that it does now."  Now, I was a little embarrassed and shit like that, 'cause grandma didn't have a stitch of drawers on  coverin' up her old cooter.  The doctor then told us that grandma had just suffered a severe case of  yeast infection, and old granddaddy cried like a son-of-a-bitch at a bastard's meeting. I was happy, Cornbread was happy, and Dude Watson just kept looking up grandma's dress, but I reckon granddaddy was just cryin' tears of joy.

Well, through all this I couldn't get my mind of Tom DeLay. Lordy, I just felt like maybe them liberal fellers had jumped in Tom's shit for nothin'. And, then I got to thinkin' that just like grandma, old Tom DeLay just had a case of the yeast infection, or some shit close to that. I reckon that we all have our burdens to bear, and I reckon Dude Watson got an eye full of grandma's burden. But, I reckon that all's well that ends well, and granddaddy could have ended grandma's well with a shotgun blast, but he didn't. I reckon she will get better and I bet old Tom DeLay will too.